I’ve never faked sarcasm

It’s been AGES since I’ve updated this journal so I thought I’d better get cracking and whip up some more of my genius observations for your consideration. I realised there was only one way forward after the previous two entries and so this lecture shall be based on ornithology.

I’m thinking that’s got rid of at least 60% of the idle browsers and at least half of those of you still reading are just wondering if I’m really serious. Oh yes my friend, I am about to talk to you about birds. Strap yourselves in.

Good friends of mine left yesterday for Africa and I spent a few hours sitting down with them telling them the places they really should go, what would be criminal to miss, where they’re most likely to die – that kind of thing. I spent three months travelling around Africa in the middle of 2006 and miss it enormously. Bastards like these “friends” of mine (where was my invite eh?) don’t exactly help matters much.

Africa is so much more colourful than England. It’s weird because if you’d have asked me to describe what I thought it would look like before I’d been, I’d probably have said quite brown and barren. It’s not at all. Everything is vivid while England is so dull and grey. There’s a huge contrast. And I’m not dissing England because, lets face it, I know where I’d rather live. I just love the shimmer that Africa has. Where else in the world are you going to get to see a Masai warrior ride a unicycle? 10 months ago I wouldn’t have been convinced you’d see it anywhere.

England needs to buck its ideas up though. Seriously. Lets take something fairly common as an example. Pigeons. We get ‘em everywhere. Here’s a picture of a pigeon:

Lets be fair to it. It’s made a bit of an effort – no feathers sticking out anywhere, few stripes going on in the wings area and it has pink feet which don’t quite go but at least it tried.

In Kenya and Tanzania, the bird you see as often (if not more so) than we see the pigeon is the Superb Starling. Before you’ve even checked it out you’ve got to be impressed by its confidence. “Hey bitch – I’m not just a starling, I’m bloody SUPERB.” And it is. It’s hard too. None of this “lets catch the tube because I can’t be bothered to fly” business. Nope – these superb starlings entertain themselves by pissing off rhinos. Respect. Lets take a look and see what they look like…

Not only is there a lot more colour going on (although I think whoever was painting it was holding it by the head) but it’s also practically iridescent. Check out the eye. Look how mean it is! Now go back and look at the pigeon’s dumb vacant eye. Compare. Which one’s going to take on a rhino and get away with it?

Now, I know some of you are going to claim that it’s not really a fair comparison. A superb starling is, obviously, a starling and not a pigeon. Africa does have pigeons. They’re not as common as the superb starling but you do see a few from time to time. Lets take a look.

It’s only bloody gone and done its hair! Not only that, but it’s thrown on a purple pashmina to brighten up its outfit and a little bit of eyeliner to bring out the colour of their dumb vacant (and yet now pretty) eyes. Frankly I’m a little embarrassed by the show our pigeons have put on. No make up, no outfits – nothing. I can’t help but think that our bird’s haircut is modelled on the Duncan Goodhew of the pigeon world.

Still, I give our pigeons a little credit. They can read.

Note the london underground map on the back. Proof!

Point made. Here endeth the lesson.